The Jose Mourinho Diaries - Part: The Letters

Letters responding to the rather secret diary of a quiet, unassuming, megalomaniac

Jose responds to his fans*

Wednesday 08 March 2006:

Hi jose...

I have sent you some messages but haven't got any answer.I am also a special one.I am one of your best fans but if you don't send me any message,I will never think about you because I am as proud as you sir.

MJM

Sunday 12 March 2006:

Dear M,

Being the World’s Greatest Man(ager) brings along with it many demands on Jose’s time. No-one except The Kid could successfully juggle watching the entire Herbie movie collection, singing along with the Tweenies, tambourine practice, hiding from Mrs Mourinho, writing ‘53’ fifty three times every day, making great pronouncements for Frank Arnesen to agree with, training the Chelsea squad as well as making some prank calls to Poopy Pants’ office.

Whilst Jose respects M’s right to call herself a special one, Jose is THE Special One. There’s only one Jose. And Mrs Mourinho said she was glad of that (presumably for reasons of identification).

May your pride swell in your heart as your love for Jose.

TJM

Tuesday 07 March 2006:

Dear Mr mourinho,

Just to let you know some of us British do not let the british press rule our lives My husband and I think you have done a lot for British football and admire you greatly. This is from an Aston Villa fan of forty years so this shows I am loyal if nothing else.

It is not the money that makes a Team but good management and good players.

Thank you for all you have done for football and may you stay in England and keep it interesting.

yours,

Mr and Mrs S.A.R

Sunday 12 March 2006:

Dear SARs,

The Mighty Mourinho looked upon your email with great satisfaction. It is gratifying to know that there are devotees of the noble Jose crusade out there who revere and believe in what they see.

Resisting the lure of the Dark Forces is not easy, but your long term support for Aston Villa speaks volumes for your loyalty if not your judgement.

It is indeed good management and good players that makes a good team.

Mainly good management.

May your claret and blue allegiance be mainly blue.

TJM

Sunday 05 March 2006:

tu es o sol para os portugueses aqui en londres

MF

Sunday 12 March 2006:

The brightly shining Jose is glad to hear that he is the ‘sun’ for the Portuguese in London. Not only is he the sun, but he’s also the moon and all the stars; the sky, the earth and all of space.

Simply, Jose is everything.

May you live happily on Jose powered solar energy for the rest of your days,

TJM

Monday 20 February 2006:

Jose,

With your intelligence and wits , chelsea will thrash barcelona!!! .. and if liverpool comes again , they will be destroyed! ..long live jose ..

M

Sunday 12 March 2006:

Dear M,

As you will surely have noted, Chelsea once more destroyed Barcelona winning 1-1.

However, Jose's magnanimousness was once more headline news as he allowed Barcelona to progress to the next round this year, because had Chelsea gone through again, Jose feared for the safety of his bottom.

Liverpool who?

May all your optimism be channelled into your love for Jose's masterplan.

TJM

Monday 13 February 2006:

hello jose iam arbic idont speak english ilove you bey bey please send to me any messege

rr

Sunday 19 February 2006:

Dear rr

Any messege is being sent in the post to you.

Jose doesn't speak Arabic either.

May all your efforts go into radiating the love Jose has for himself.

TJM

Monday 30 January 2006:

I LOVE YOU

CJ

Monday 6 February 2006:

Dear CJ,

Jose completely understands.

May your love for Jose be reflected in the money you send Andross.

TJM

Friday 27 January:

dear jose

I want to say happy birthday....although it is late....but i wish all the best for you, especially your career. I always pray for you...and i wish God give all the best in your life!!!

by the way, you are so cute, heve you ever thought to be a model when you were young? i think you are the sexiest man alive!!!

Wulan

Monday 6 February 2006:

Dear Wulan, Jose deigns to thank you for your kind birthday wishes. Jose also prays from time to time, usually when a goal down with two minutes to go. But when was the last time that happened, eh?

Wulan touches upon a subject very close to Jose’s heart: his sheer beauty. It is true that when younger (he’s still young now, of course) he gave many thoughts to being a model. Indeed, when dragging his portfolio around the modelling agencies of Paris and Milan, often the ladies in the buildings would shriek and slam the door shut in Jose’s face, unable to bear staring at his handsome countenance for too long without being overcome.

Eventually he found his true calling – pizza delivery boy – which led to him being appointed as Bobby Robson’s tea boy at Barcelona and the rest, as they say, is history. Marvellous, epic history.

Jose is the sexiest man alive. And John Terry second.

TJM

Wednesday 11 January 2006:

Dear Jose,

I'm a Sunderland fan and was hoping that perhaps you could be so kind as to have a word in Roman's shell-like ear, to ask if he knows any fellow Russian oil tycoons who may have a bit of loose change lying about - maybe down the back of the sofa - and who would be willing to spend this cash (around £250 million) on Sunderland AFC.

I would also like to add that since you are the most beautiful manager in football, do you have any beauty tips for us football fans? I thought cleanse, tone and moisturize was the only mantra I had to follow, until I saw you. You are very lovely! How do you achieve that pink pouty look? Do you use a secret blend of lip balm?

Yours in awe of your loveliness,

AH.

Monday 6 February 2006:

Dear AH,

Having watched Sunderland play on occasion this season, Jose’s first thought was, will £250m be enough?

However, being full of bounteousness for his worshipping fans, Jose felt obliged to ask a rich Russian if he’d be interested in taking over at Sunderland. Despite Roman scoffing at Alexandre Gaydamak’s mere worth of £465m, Jose sent him a typically detailed dossier of this north eastern football team.

Unfortunately for you AH, days later the Franco-Russian oligarch invested in a football team at right the other end of the country.

You are indeed right that Jose is the most beautiful man(ager) in football (and the world), but such loveliness did not come easy.

Years ago, Jose tried to increase his appeal having watched the delightful Reese Witherspoon in ‘Legally Blonde’ advocate the ‘bend and snap’ manoeuvre. This might go some way to explaining Jose’s short (9 game) tenure at Benfica.

In conclusion, to be as beautiful as Jose, you just have to be born like it.

May all your senses be bathed in Jose’s sheer beauty.

TJM

Sunday 01 January 2006:

Dear Jose,

Happy New Year 2006.

I just Like to say to you have the best Tim in ALL Country and I wished them and off course to you good Luck

AM

Monday 6 February 2006:

Dear AM,

Obviously Jose’s marvellously huge squad is larger than even he first realised. He doesn’t know a Tim. He’s well aware of the presence of the best John in the whole country and Frank too. And the best Jose in the whole wide world. But Tim?

Nevertheless, Jose much appreciates the message and wishes AM a happy new year too.

May the months ahead be full of Mourinho love.

TJM

Thursday 29 December 2005:

hi

i am from yemen (( middle east ))

i love you

and i like way of your play

and i like treatment you with media

I hope answer

MS

Monday 6 February 2006:

Dear MS,

Jose wishes to thank you for your rousing vote of confidence. Being all-knowing, he was well aware of Yemen’s geographical location (a Makelele type position in front of Saudi Arabia, along side Oman and Eritrea and behind the Gulf of Arjen).

Of course your admire Jose’s cavalier attacking style of play. It goes without saying that you hold Jose’s open scorn of the incompetent media in the highest regard.

And as for loving Jose: who wouldn’t?

Your life has been graced with a Jose-style answer.

TJM

Tuesday 20 December 2005:

Dear, Jose Mourinho!

I, GM, am the admirer of your talent (huge talent!!!), would like to congratulate you on a holiday of Christmas. Start up in New to Year at you all it will be good, both in Football, and in the Life. I consider you, perhaps as the best trainer in the World. After your transition in Chelsea, about you began to speak and write much more in press. My opinion on you as about the Best trainer, has developed of the several reasons:

1) the Person (which I have read through all interview, you speak about that that the Person from the big letter, and the statement " I never shall be It is watered-correctness ", in general I consider as main your advantage above other trainers, at least, you are not afraid to come on press conference and to sound the opinion on a match or on any separate episode);

2) Under all clauses read through by me it is possible to draw a conclusion, that you not simply do the work, and are engaged in the most favourite business without which you cannot present the life. It seems to me that the majority of trainers simply perform the work and consequently very few people from Them is possible to achieve significant results and if it is possible in the subsequent by year leave much to be desired.

I do not represent the life without football and consequently would like to ask you, to advise me, from what and how, it is better to begin trainer's activity?

Yours faithfully,

GM

Monday 6 February 2006:

Dear GM, May Jose be the first to reassure you that your faith is not misplaced. Jose's talents are indeed unrivalled and infinite and he is sure that the New Year will carry on in the same vein as the last one. With Jose on top.

There's no 'perhaps' about it: he isn't called the Greatest Man(ager) in the World for nothing.

Dealing with your points in exactly the same way you ordered them:

1) Jose is never afraid to voice his opinions. The reasons for this are threefold. One, they are right. Two, Jose's magnanimity means that he feels compelled to share his wisdom with the world, lightening up their otherwise dull lives. And three, watered correctness should never be underestimated.

2) You are absoutely right. It is not enough to consider this just a 'job'. Jose absolutely believes in what he does - considers it a divine mission no less to deliver to the world a football team in the image of their coach - perfect.

Jose is unable to offer any specific careers advice. However, he can ask Gorbenko to look into his heart. What does he truly love? He must follow that. No matter how much he loves Jose, he must realise that his career could never quite match up to the Illustrious One's.

May your heart pump blood and love for Jose around your body for many, many years.

Happy Christmas,

TJM

Tuesday 20 December 2005:

Dear Jose,

You are a legend.

GK

Monday 6 February 2006:

Dear GK,

Tell Jose something he didn’t already know.

TJM

Wednesday 09 November:

Hi Jose,

I'm updating my address book. Please click on the link below and enter your contact info for me:

«link removed»

I'm using a new, free service where I put in my contact info for you, you put in your contact info for me, and everyone stays up to date automatically. It's surprisingly easy and useful.

Thanks for your help.

LF

Friday 11 November:

Dear LF

Jose would write 'No' 53 times, but the ink in the felt tip is running out.

Once will suffice

No.

May all your telephone calls be blessed with crossed lines,

TJM

Sunday 06 November:

Dear Mr. Mourinho,

As stated by yourself when Chelsea lost there would be a public holiday.

Therefor I intend to take tomorrow off work,which will cost me £150.

I would grateful if you could reimburse me for the monies I will lose

Yours Truly,

RH

Friday 11 November:

Dear RH,

There will indeed be a public holiday. However due to Jose's phenomenally busy schedule, the first available day is December 25th.

Enjoy your day off.

TJM

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Friday 04 November:

Ciao Jose,

sono una ragazza italiana tifosa del grande Chelsea e di te soprattutto! come prima cosa ti faccio una valanga di complimenti per la tua splendida carriera da allenatore,sei il piu' GRANDE al mondo! quando verrai ad allenare in italia?ti aspettiamo a braccia aperte!

Ti chiedo un grande favore:una mia carissima amica, che ti adora (anche lei dice a tutti che seil IL PIU' GRANDE ALLENATORE DEL MONDO NONCHE' IL PIU' BELLO e ti vorrebbe al Milan!) il 23 novembre compie 40 anni.Potresti inviarle tramite posta una tua foto con dedica ed auguri? La faresti la persona piu' felice al mondo e sarebbero sicuramente gli auguri piu' belli, una sorpresa troppo bella. Ti lascio il suo indirizzo e spero tantissimo che mi aiuterai, un caro saluto e continua cosi, YOU ARE THE BEST IN ALL THE WORLD!!!!

Thanks very much, ola'.

D

Friday 04 November:

Dear D,

Jose also takes much time out to think about just how he is the best in the world. Sometimes, as the shrewd judge D has spotted, sometimes this doesn’t reflect the majesty of his talents truly. Jose is not merely the best in the world, but also the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth best too.

Mrs Mourinho also badgers her husband often to go to Milan to which he replies that he is the ‘best GREATEST TRAINER IN THE WORLD’ and the ‘MOST BEAUTIFUL’. Shouting adds emphasis to these very valid points, Jose has found and is usually enough to send Mrs Mourinho scurrying from the room again, often locking the door behind her.

Unfortunately, Jose is unable to send signed photographs for he would surely be besieged with requests from all over the world.

However, he can send D’s friend a message,

“Dear D’s Friend,

Happy birthday on 23 November. Thank you for loving Jose as much as he does. Being such a huge fan automatically renders you beautiful too.

Enjoy your day,

TJM”

Jose hopes this does the trick.

May all your dreams be smothered in chocolate,

TJM

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Friday 04 November:

Jose,

Tenho a certeza que é o melhor Treinador do Mundo !! Sem dúvida. Para além da coerência, ainda tem o bom senso das contratações com equilíbrio, qual Luxemburgo ou Fergusan, Mourinho sempre!!

Em sua “casa”, nada a objectar, pois ninguém se sente com moral para disparar seja o que for, mas por exemplo, no Real Madrid, ai se eu manda-se!!

1- Casilhas
2- Cicinho (contratava)
3- Sérgio Ramos(contratava)
4- Samuel (Mantinha)
5- Roberto Carlos
6- Gravesen
7- Beckham
8- Solari (Mantinha)
9- Ronaldo
10- Davids (contratava)
11- Raul
(1-4-4-2)

1- Casilhas
2- Cicinho
3- Sérgio Ramos
4- Helguera
5- Samuel
6- R.Carlos
7- Gravensen
8- Davids
9- Júlio Batista (contratava)
10- Ronaldo
11- Raul
(1-3-5-2)

Isto só com os contratados e dispensados que não dispensava !! Talvez fosse diferente para melhor o equilíbrio, afinal o sucesso das equipas ganhadoras!!

Com rédea solta e dinheiro como o Real tem, fazia uma verdadeira equipa tal como a nossa “fonte inspiradora” e bem mais baratinha, mas a correr o dobro.

Felicitações desportivas.

G.P.

Ps- Já agora quais os cursos a tirar para começar uma carreira de treinador, bem que gostava, com toda a Inspiração que nos proporciona.

Friday 04 November:

Dear GP, Jose is also of the opinion that he is the best trainer in the world without a doubt and is also unable to pick fault with anything he has ever done at Stamford Bridge (except for possibly when he balanced the bucket of water on top of Peter Kenyon’s door. Poopy Pants ended up being soaked, but it would have been better had the bucket landed upside down on his head).

Jose is intrigued by G’s suggested formations for Real Madrid. Samuel, of course has left Madrid for Inter Milan and Mourinho pities any team bereft of Roman's billions and Jose’s charisma who tries to buy him back.

In Jose’s opinion, money no object the best team that Real could field is:

1 - Mourinho
2 - Mourinho
3 - Mourinho
4 - Mourinho
5 - Mourinho
6 - Mourinho
7 - Mourinho
8 – Mourinho (capt.)
9 - Mourinho
10-Mourinho
11-Mourinho

(4-4-2)

Or maybe instead,

1 - Mourinho
2 - Mourinho
3 - Mourinho
4 - Mourinho
5 - Mourinho
6 – Mourinho (capt.)
7 - Mourinho
8 – Mourinho
9 - Mourinho
10-Mourinho
11-Mourinho

(4-1-2-2-1)

Jose is happy, but not surprised to hear he provides inspiration to all.

May your formations reflect your deep love for Mourinho,

TJM

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Friday 04 November:

Boa Tarde Mourinho!

Fazia tempo que o queria felicitar pelo seu percurso, pela sua carreira, pelas suas conquistas, e sobretudo por tudo de bom que tem dado aos portugueses, em Portugal e no estrangeiro.

Sou português, de Portugal, de Lisboa e do Belenenses.

Só quis mesmo transmitir-lhe mais um modesto (o meu) apoio, sempre lutei contra todos aqueles, sobretudo benfiquistas e sportinguistas, que o criticam e que não gostam de si, por nada, somente por ter ganho no Porto. Ora, eu longe dessas guerras, adoro a maneira como as suas equipas jogam, adoro o carinho com que os «seus» jogadores falam de si, e sobretudo acho fabulosa a sua leitura de jogo, ouvi os seus comentários durante um jogo da nossa seleção durante o Euro, e fascinou-me a maneira como nos explicou, o que se estava a passar em campo, tacticamente, jogador a jogador, e mambas as equipas, que bom seria termos comentadores com metade da sua leitura de jogo, a comentar os jogos que passam na televisão, para já não falar nos treinadores que por vezes os comentam e nada dizem a mais daquilo que estamos a ver…

Mais uma vez obrigado e os mais sinceros votos de sucesso com o Chelsea (já estive para me fazer sócio!! Também é azul!!) e que ganhe o mais possível!!!

Um Abraço,

H.O.

Friday 04 November:

Dear H.O., In the epic journey that is Jose’s life he has been congratulated on many things, but this is the first time anyone has commented upon his passage. For sure though, it is a fine one – straight, unyielding and true.

Jose also adores everything about Mourinho – what is there not to admire? He thanks you most graciously for your kind comments about his television commentaries. It is certain that the multi-talented Mourinho could turn his hand to just about anything and become an outstanding success.

As we speak, he is pestering Mrs Mourinho to book him studio time to record an album of Tambourine songs that is sure to top the charts at Christmas. You too could have a little Jose on Christmas morning. What more could you want?

Thank you for your best wishes. Jose has no need for them, but will store them lovingly in any case.

May it rain pennies in your back garden,

TJM

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